We are sorry we showed porn to your niece
Written by Zoe Bagger
I wrote this on December 22, 2021, so I think the statute of limitations has passed on this. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Jim Law, who, if memory serves, is not likely to press charges anyway.
I think I was 8? And Jim’s family had come to visit from South Africa and his brother (?) had a daughter about our age. I can’t remember her name, but she was utterly delightful. Particularly because about two minutes into us “showing her around,” a bird took a shit on her as though it had been waiting its whole life for the opportunity. I am guessing your niece was a little confounded by the sheer terror we expressed at our allowing a bird to shit on the head of the Director’s niece.
ohhhh…and…uhhhhhhhhhhh. sorry for showing her soft-core porn on Cinemax.
Anyway! Merrry Christmas!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK A PUPPY!!!!!!!
FINE! But in our defense the show was called CINDERELLA, and NO, it did not occur to us that “Cinderella” on Cinemax was not the same as “Cinderella” on Disney. And since this memory is stuck in my head for eternity, I think it is only fair that the rest of you reading this suffer as well.
THIS Cinderella had a “fairy godmother” who helped her get to the “ball” (wink wink, nudge nudge) by gifting her with … wait for it … a SNAPPING PUSSY! There is even a song where they rhyme “snapper” with “kidnap HER,” which I think we can all agree is pretty clever. So, hey! Maybe you’re asking yourself, “How does he figure out who Cinderella is after she bolts from the orgy??” Good question! Our prince, who at this point is LITERALLY being carried around in a litter due to exhaustion. Has FUCKED HIS WAY THROUGH THE KINGDOM! STDs be damned! amirite?!!?!? (Well, it was the 70s). Anyway, I don’t want to leave this with a cliff-hanger, so rest at ease knowing that he is completely reinvigorated after he finds her and gets that snapping pussy!
Anyhoo. Jim, please tell your niece I said, “Hi!” Unless, of course, she still has a restraining order against us.